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Hi honey, it’s me.
On your way home from work, could you please stop at THE SHARPER IMAGE™ and pick up some steaks for dinner? You remember—that store that sells overpriced electronic gadgets?
Yeah, the retail establishment that sells glorified, as-seen-on-tv garbage to affluent men caught in the throes of a midlife crisis, desperately clinging to youth and relevance while still scratching upward for the social status they think comes with paying way too much for crap they don’t need?
Yep, and get this, the steaks are even named after that racist real estate manbaby with the big mouth and the twelve trophy wives. The one who looks like an angry scarecrow stuffed with crumpled-up issues of Maxim and VHS tapes of Girls Gone Wild instead of straw?
Well sure they do—they carry both electronic heated massage chairs AND the dead flesh of commercially slaughtered bovines. You know, vacuum-packed cuts of beef that finally answer the question “what’s the food equivalent of a $1000 nose hair trimmer that stops working in two weeks?”
Well, yeah, I’d assume they have a fridge on the premises. I mean, they can’t just leave raw steaks sitting out on a shelf between the clickity-clack swinging desk ball thingies and the world’s best aromatherapy digital alarm clock.
Anyway, I’ll pick up the kids from school if you could just please just stop by the mall on your way home and ask the comically-bored teenager at the information booth where you can find a defunct retail chain that sells both a $200 zen rock garden with a tiny little wooden rake and USDA Choice porterhouse steaks named after a handsy trustafarian who’s got a boner for his own daughter and is also somehow the President of the United States of America.
Okay, see you soon. Love you, bye!
“There are people who wish I wouldn’t refer to China as our enemy. But that’s exactly what they are. They have destroyed entire industries by utilizing low-wage workers, cost us tens of thousands of jobs, spied on our businesses, stolen our technology, and have manipulated and devalued their currency, which makes importing our goods more expensive—and sometimes, impossible.”—Nobody
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“This guy is not normal. I’m telling you—did you see his eyes? He’s got crazy eyes. He’s a lunatic. I’m telling you, we are going into the wilderness being lead by a lunatic. He’s behind me, isn’t he?”
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Congrats, everyone—we made it to 21!
Time to celebrate by knocking back a few ice-cold glasses of VODKA™ brand vodka.
Don’t settle for brown, lazy, shithole liquors like rum or tequila, reach for the crisp, clean, completely colorless beverage you really feel like you can trust around your beautiful white daughters.
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While it’s true that blue and orange are complementary colors, you can’t take a lovely, vibrant blue like this and throw on any tacky, old, unappealing orange you find lying around. Not every disgusting, unnatural shade of orange belongs there, because not every orange is fit for the job—in fact, I’m sure that you’ll all agree that some oranges are staggeringly unfit.
What I’m trying to emphasize here, class, is that color is critical facet of visual design, so perhaps we should start taking the selection of a given palette a little more seriously and stop slathering on the first disgusting shade of burnt baby-diarrhea that rears it’s ugly, ugly head.
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When the United States sends its person, we’re not sending our best. We’re not sending you. We’re sending criminal. We’re sending rapist. And none of him, I assume, is a good person.
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“Can you believe that,with all of the problems and difficulties facing the U.S., President Obama spent the day playing golf.Worse than Carter”
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At first I wasn’t sure which of Trump’s three disposable-3D-baby-printers to get rid of, but then suddenly it become quite clear that this latest mail-order model would Be Best. Happy Mother’s Day, everybody!
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“My fellow Americans…going forward, my administration will not be honoring any treaties or agreements that were signed in black ink. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. WINK.”
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Listen—between the shirt and the pants, I have no idea what’s going on in this picture. But apparently I’m 11 years old, so I think it’s funny.
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“I pledge allegiance,
Many people saying.
And to Democrat Robert Mueller,
Collusion is FAKE NEWS!
Failing Jesus is a pathetic low-energy loser. SAD!
I like saviors who weren’t crucified.
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Trump said on Morning Joe that Putin was a better leader than Obama, and dismissed Joe Scarborough’s allegations that the Russian president “kills journalists that don’t agree with him.”
“He’s running his country and at least he’s a leader, unlike what we have in this country,” Trump said.
“I think our country does plenty of killing also, Joe, so you know. There’s a lot of stupidity going on in the world right now, a lot of killing going on, a lot of stupidity.”
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Interestingly enough, the verb tromper in French (conjugated as trompe in the second person imperative) means to deceive, delude or hoodwink.
So just as trompe-l’œil means to “deceive the eye,” trompe le monde means “deceive the world.”
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Now our country’s racist more than ever,
Know that we only have each other,
F that guy under the umbrella,
F that guy under the umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh
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0750: Pet waste contains harmful bacteria and parasites that make people and pets sick. When it is left outside, pet waste can be tracked into homes and cars or washed into our streams and rivers.
DOEE provides technical support and assistance with education on the environmental impacts of pet waste in coordination with the Mayor’s Office of the Clean City, which leads the District’s response to pet waste issues.
Report: Pet waste complaints should be submitted to DC 311. The online form can be found at 311.dc.gov under All Service Requests > Pet Waste. Residents can also submit complaints by phone by dialing 3-1-1. This information is used to identify hotspots to target for outreach and education.
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“This correction will run its course until the middle of the year. Then things will pick up again, because not even Greenspan can stop the Internet economy.”—Larry Kudlow, February 2000
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If there’s one thing I simply can’t tolerate, it’s when assholes slap their nonsense on a building and completely ruin its aesthetic. This type of juvenile defacement needs to stop! Thankfully, I was able to erase all of the offensive language from the front of this otherwise fine hotel.
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Ladies and gentlemen: I give you my final crapsterpiece. My magnum doofus. My pièce-of-shit de résistance. Thanks to everyone who followed and enjoyed these, and extra thanks to my friend and colleague Tess Evans for introducing me to The 100 Day Project and encouraging (forcing) me to do this very rewarding (arduous) project.
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Here’s a quick look back of my 2018 100 Day Project.
If you’ve got a copy of PhotoShop (or GIMP) and want a peek behind the scenes, the layered PSD files for all 100 are now available to view and download on Dropbox, along with an extra folder containing almost 50 duds, rejects, or otherwise unfinished pieces. Enjoy!